The first paragraph of this essay should have the first and the second sentences corrected to, “Everyone in the United States should have the opportunity to acquire higher education. Sadly, the great number of undocumented students in the US is continuing to increase.”The
Second last sentence in the same essay should also be reviewed to; “Every year that passes without passing the Dream Act is a lost hope to so many undocumented students and the future of American society.”
The second paragraph begins with statistics of the United States census Bureau. It is better if the introductory sentence in this essay has a decent punctuation. Perhaps you can consider paraphrasing it to, “ According the United States Census Bureau in 2000, there were
approximately 2.5 million undocumented students under the age of 18 living in the U.S” You may also consider removing the word “ many” in the sentence so that you do not abuse this word. The sentence will then read, “Only 65,000 students graduate every year of the 2.5 million Undocumented students.” Also, consider correcting the in text citation you involved in your second paragraph, this is because these in text citations should include the Name of the Author and year for APA format (Ewing 1998), and Name of the Author and the page number
for MLA format (Ewing 17).
The third paragraph also has some reviews that should be made to ensure that the message that the writer intend is correct. The first sentence appears okay since it is communicating well, but the third sentence requires some review. Please consider using the correct form of the verb. The writer should have used a comma and used the correct for of verb as it appears in the following example; “ Also, many colleges and Universities make it hard for undocumented students to enroll” The last phrase in the third paragraph should also be reviewed to make the in text citation to appear in the correct format. Please consider changing the same as suggested in the second paragraph.
The first sentence in the fourth paragraph should also be corrected. It should be reviewed to read as follows, “Many people argue…” These help the writer to be precise. The second sentence in the same paragraph should be reviewed for proper punctuation with a comma adding a comma. Therefore, it should read as; “For example, two consecutive…” The in text citation provided in the fourth paragraph should be reviewed so that they follow universally recognized citation techniques as guided in the second paragraph.
The fifth paragraphs should also be reviewed for some grammatical mistakes. The second sentence is wrong and does not enhance a logic flow of the intended Idea. This sentence should read, “A writer by the name David Writer, who has retired from the federal government, argues in his article that…” This correction will be advantageous, as it will prevent repetition. It is also sensible to consider eliminating the use of the writer's name, even after mentioning him once. A possible change in the fifth paragraph is possibly the use of the second person pronoun,
The sixth paragraph of the essay also needs some adjustments so that the paragraph communicates its Ideas without any strain. The second rhetoric question asked in this paragraph does not appear sensible. The writer should change the question to read as follows, “How is the
US economy supposed to survive with that?” The Idea about the contrast of the undocumented people in the US in 2000 and the current year should also be reviewed to make it a sensible contrast. Perhaps the writer may consider changing this sentence to; “In the year 2000, the
US Census Bureau showed in their statistics that there were about 2.5 million undocumented students. That was 12 years ago…..”
The seventh paragraph needs some reviews too. The third sentence should be reviewed to, “The UCLA North American Integration and Development Center estimated that the Dreamers would make between $1.4 trillion and $3.6 trillion ” Please, make this change in the sentence and avoid being vague. Instead of saying “for those who did high school” consider replacing it with “High school graduates”
In the eighth paragraph, some reviews should also be made. The first sentence in this paragraph should be rephrased to, “The dream act is not only legalizing enrollment for undocumented students but also is making a bright future for this magnificent nation” The in text citation used in this paragraph should be reviewed so that it reaches universal writing standards. Please follow the guideline given in the second paragraph. You should also consider making some adjustments on the last sentence of this paragraph. It should read that; “It is not fair for these young people to be going through difficult circumstances.”
The ninth paragraph should begin as follows, “ Dreamers are eager to contribute to this country as it transpired in Barack Obama’s speech on 15th June 2012 at Rose Gardens” By making this adjustment in the first sentence in the ninth paragraph, the sentence will successfully communicate to the intended audience without being vague. The conclusive tone of your essay should be well developed by use of words such as, “In conclusion, From the foregoing..” Also, you should consider changing the second last sentence in this paragraph to; “If the Dream Act is not passed in the near future, time will continue being wasted and a consequent reflection will be indicated with the weakening of our economy”